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Now mostly lost to forgetfulness, my earliest memories are of my birth which, because of the country where it occurred, qualifies me to be - along with Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush - President of the United States.  According to the sketchy records kept of that time, I first appeared in human form toward the end of World War II.  This now consecrated event occurred in a mess hall on a U.S. Army base near Jackson, Mississippi.

In the October 17, 1944 edition of Stars and Stripes, the day of my coming is recorded in an article about food contamination.  According to the reporter, "When the electric beaters jammed, a cook preparing breakfast for the troops yesterday morning found a baby-like creature, submerged under several dozen

   
Bill Smith

broken eggs in a large steel mixing bowl.  As part of a thorough sanitizing the beaters, the bowl, and the small creature were discarded.  The eggs were scrambled and fed to the troops."  That unfortunate discarded infant was me.

Retrieving me at the end of the day from the honey trap, where I had ended up with other food-preparation detritus, the mess sergeant took me home to replace the family's recently deceased cocker spaniel, Taffy.  Initially, I wasn't allowed in the house but, by observing the neighbor's cat, I learned how to use a litter box.  Noticing my new skill, my parents supplied me with a box of my own and I was allowed to sleep beside it in the garage.  This was a fortunate occurrence because my food dish was moved inside as well, where I no longer had to fight raccoons for it.

At age three I moved with my adoptive family to Dallas.  It would be the first of several life-changing moves for me.  After mashing my father's testicles in an unfortunate trapping accident, I left home to join a travelling circus.  Four years later, due to an incident involving the throwing of elephant dung at a heckler, I was abandoned by the circus when it passed through East Texas.

At age seven, while living on the street in Nacogdoches, I fathered a child. I had fallen deeply, passionately in love while wrestling with a creature that had charged out of a nearby thicket to steal Prancer, the reindeer I was barbecuing.  Sadly, three weeks later the creature died giving birth to our son Rusty, leaving me half mad with grief.  Homeless, with no job and no prospects, I was unable to care properly for Rusty.  I had to sell him.  It is an act I deeply regret to this day.  Horrible guilt caused me to take a vow of celibacy I have never broken.

During the ensuing years I tried bootlegging, bigamy, faith healing and incarceration in a salt mine before moving to Austin to become a student at the University of Texas.  After two troubled academic years, I slipped out of town on a warm spring night and pointed my old pan head Harley-Davidson toward the West Coast.  I made it to San Francisco and joined the counter culture there but my memory of this time - and of the next 14 years - is vague and confused.  I might have lived in Sitka, Alaska for awhile and maybe worked on a merchant ship somewhere in the Orient but I can't be sure.  I know, from recently released FBI documents that, in the late 1960's, I appeared suddenly near Washington, D.C..

I have no memory of how or why I came to Prince Rupert.  CSIS records indicate that I was dumped here in a drug induced coma after being taken captive in Arlington, Virginia by a roving band of militant Quakers who mistakenly believed I could be sold for a profit in Canada.  In Rupert, after working at a variety of soul-less jobs, I finally reached a state of total confusion and emotional collapse.  At which point I quit everything and moved across the harbour to Dodge Cove - a lawless place where outcasts and criminals were rumoured to go to disappear.  Eventually, through Rolphing (as the local thugs who beat me senseless called it) I achieved spiritual enlightenment.  Soon after, I found meaning for my life in the form of commercial fishing.

After years of poverty, suffering and uncertainty, I am finally being rewarded for my strong beliefs in Capitalism, conservative fundamentalism and the Protestant work ethic.  I have achieved financial stability as a salmon gillnetter.  Nothing can take that from me - except age, oil spills, climate change, greedy sports fishing lobby groups, self-interested politicians who back the environmentally dangerous resource-development schemes of their corporate backers and Jimmy Pattison's subsidiary company The Department of Fisheries and Oceans.

Now that I am old and blissfully senescent - thus, free of the triple burdens of memory, motivation, ability and hope - I spend my time ashore coloring with crayons.

 

Note: We members of the Dodge Cove Arts Guild tend to be serious, perhaps to excess, so we extend a hearty welcome to Bill Smith's injection of a sample of his "sick" humour.


We can make a card from any photo shown here. For more details go to our card section.


(Click on picture to enlarge)
fluffy
wallpaper
   
"Fluffy"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
"Wallpaper"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
 
librarian
ducat
"Common Ducat"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
"Hammy"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
mrcuddles
mymarbles

"Aphids"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper

nakedlunch
"Mr. Cuddles"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
"It's MY Marbles"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
rustysmom
cosmetictestrabbit
"Naked Lunch"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper

"Rusty's Mom"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper

"Cosmetic Test Rabbit"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
 
hairgrowthproducts
resistancefighter
toucan
"Improper us of Hair Growth Products"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
"Resistance Fighter"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
"Northern Marsh Toucan"
Colored pencil, felt pen
on paper
 
         
   
 
                       

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